How to crash Canberra

Like a school kid on the inaugural Year 6 excursion to Parliament House; I approached my first independent lobbying trip to Canberra with trepidation, a map in my back pocket, and very little sleep.

View from the hill

And I came away from it with an inflated sense of self-importance; after organising news for all five tv stations, and later standing atop the nations ‘hill’, looking down on the ‘villagers’ below.

People who work in glass houses really shouldn’t throw stones. And there’s an awful lot of glass on the inside of Parliament House.

Being sent to ‘work the press gallery’ at Parliament House is a daunting job the first time around. No one tells you much – or pays you any attention unless you demand it (with a smile of course).

Unless you’re blessed (as I was) to have a few buddies sketch a map of what wing and floor you need to head to – you can waste hours wandering around; drinking appalling coffee at Ozzies Cafe and wondering where the media people reside.

Here’s an example of the super unhelpful map of Parliament House provided on the government website.

So, here are my hints, in plain-speak, for those who want them:

• There are several entrances for Parliament House and they are not really within walking distance from each other. Go to the Main Entrance.
• When you enter keep in mind that all the House of Reps people are on the left. And all the Senate people are on the right.
• The Press Gallery is on the right, above the Senate people – in the far building.
• Organise someone to sign you in ‘unaccompanied’. Because they certainly won’t have time to follow you around while you’re pestering the media for your own cause.
• Walk on down the halls of the Press Gallery like you belong there. To my surprise – no one will question your presence, nor kick you out. But if you even think about nicking anything from the open and generally unstaffed media offices, I’m pretty sure either Security or a vodka bottle will strike you down instantly.
• The main TV stations have their own interview suites, with little studios inside them – but they usually opt for interviews outside in the courtyards.
• The print journos have stacks of yellowed, decaying paper everywhere. The taller the pile; the longer they’ve worked there, so don’t mess with the institutionalized ones like Laurie Oakes for instance!
• On that note – don’t bother adding your press release to the pile of paper in their pigeon holes. The pigeon holes are laughable, and may not have been emptied since 1984.
• The only way to get noticed is email beforehand, phone, and then show up with a smile. A polite and unexpectant smile.
• Obtain a list of all Journos that work in the Gallery. You’ll feel utterly lost and useless without one.
• Many Journos don’t rock up until 10am – so don’t bother holding a press conference before then. I don’t know what time they leave.
• Do not bother trying to strike up a conversation at 2pm when Question Time is happening. The staffers will be more focused on the television than a Labrador is to a bone.
• If you’re leaving the House and you want a taxi; go downstairs from the main entrance to the underground car park. For some godforsaken reason they’ve hidden the taxi stand in the dungeon where you haven’t a hope of spotting it from above.

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